Old and Busted

Grandpappies of Modern Gaming

Games that predate or exist on the first generation of home consoles. These are the first of the first, the games that are often imitated but seldom perfected as they were on these relics of quarter-popping days gone by. Many of these games existed in arcade cabinets before home systems even existed. No games after 1990 are allowed here.

These games are listed by date, not alphabetically.

Pooooooooooooong
Are you ready for the best video game experience in your lifetime? Want something to connect with that older relative who had to live through these awful dark ages of video games? Want a game so balanced and well-made that it shines with a splendorous luster, as if crafted by GOD HIMSELF? Look no further, because Pong is here:

Pong Release: 1972

Genre: Sports

Platforms: Arcade, Pong (yeah, it was its own console. It's THAT GOOD)

Brush up on those reflexes, grab that paddle and get reboundin'. The premise is simple: you move a paddle vertically and bounce a ball back and forth with another player or CPU. You get points for each successful ball you get past the opponent. It's the most condensed form of entertainment this side of Tetris, a facet that makes it impenetrable to critics or naysayers as people who don't recognize these games as the sheer zenith of video gaming just look like idiots. What's that? Objectivity doesn't exist, and neither do absolute bests? FUCK YOU. Pong is a testament that objectivity DOES exist, because even after 40 years this game is still playable and remembered, while most have since forgotten about Call of Duty 15 or whatever else you shit-eaters play. There are literally hundreds of Pong sequels and clones, like Breakout, which produced even MORE clones (Arkanoid, Shatter, etc.), but you should have a great time with the original. Reimagined from some tennis game on the Magnacocks Odyssey that no one cares about.

Rogue and its petite relatives
Release: 1980

Genre: FUCKING ROGUELIKE. Yes, it's like itself, we are entering the endless recursion, Captain.

Platforms: Every goddamn console. Yes, it has THAT many relatives.

You thought videogames are hard? NO, THEY AREN'T. Roguelikes ARE HARD (at least, the proper ones). Everything is simple: you choose a race and a class. Then, you enter the randomly generated dungeon. Your goal is to get to bottom of the dungeon, snatch the main artefact and get out. Sounds simple? FUCK YOU.

'Cause those monstahs gonna rock you so hard, you will die thousands of times before even catching a glimpse of the bottom floor, not even touching the main artefact, not even talking about getting out. Good current roguelikes include ADOM, Angband, Nethack, Dungeon Crawl Stone Soup, TOME and if you would like to consider it one The Binding of Issac is pretty rougelike with flashish/newgroundish graphics also has permadeath and is mildly disturbing.

M.U.L.E.
Release: 1983

Genre: Turn Based Strategy / Space Exploration Simulation

Platforms: Atari 400/800, Commodore 64, IBM PCjr, MSX-2, NES, PC-8801 MKII, Sharp X1, iOS

Have you ever played a turn-based strategy game? How about a sim? Like multiplayer? Meet the godfather of them all: M.U.L.E. This game is so good that there is still a thriving community of players to this day and there is even an online version for free. It has been re-released over and over on many systems for over 20 years now and just came out on iOS.

What's all the fuss about? Well, M.U.L.E. is just one of the absolute best, most balanced strategy games of all time! Pick your species then go out there and colonize planet Irata. Your cooperation (or dickery if that's how you roll) will determine if Irata becomes a thriving new homeworld or remains and impoverished dustbowl just past the garbage dump of space. Mine for ore, farm, gather rare gems, improve your M.U.L.E.s (labor droids), win the shirts off the other players at the betting table and be careful of natural disasters and wild animal attacks. You can become a land baron hiking up prices of food or found a communist utopia. It's all up to you! Oh, and did I mention that you'll need to eat food and sleep or you can die? The NES version also has actual digitized speech. This game TALKS! Forget Sim City, screw Final Fantasy: M.U.L.E. is where the action is.

Dragon's Lair
Release: 1983

Genre: Adventure - Dungeon Crawling

Platforms: Arcade (laserdisc), Sega CD, Game Boy Color, PC, DVD, HD DVD, Blu-ray Disc, PlayStation Network (PS3 & PSP), Wii, DSiWare, IPhone, IPad, Android OS

Sick and tired of FMV games that have you press x to not die? If so, then this game is not for you.

Dragon's Lair is a fully animated game during which you (as Dirk the knight) must carefully assess the environment around you, then press the correct button at the correct time to survive. Each room is made up of at least one scene you must pass to see the game continue. Survive long enough and you can kill the dragon and rescue the smoking hot princess! This old game has graphics that rival or beat modern games. Click the image at right to see the detail. I'll wait here while your jaw drops. That's the start: it gets better from there.

Did I mention this is fun? No, really! Watch beautifully rendered animation made by Don Bluth (back before he went stupid) with detailed environments with amusing and creative ways to die/survive. There is at least one different way to die per room and each one has it's own animation. There is only one way to survive each scene and, again, each one has it's own animation. Yes, they had this much detail back in 1983. Modern games have no excuse!

Even if you don't have the patience to play Dragon's Lair, watch a video of it. It's amazing.

This game has a sequel that is just as amazing animation-wise, but full of batshit insanity/awesome. Example: at one point you shrink down to the size of a mouse and fight a cat on top of a flying piano played by someone who looks like Mozart. Dodge Mozart's fingers and the cat's claws long enough and Mozart turns around to reveal it's actually Elton John at his most fabulous! The piano then crashes to the ground, destroying itself. Yes, this actually happens.